I hate it when people are late, Jennifer complains. We were supposed to meet at 12:00, and he didnt get there until 12:10. He didnt even call to say he was running late, then just acted like it was no big deal. Why is Jennifer so upset? Are you nodding your head, totally identifing with Jennifer? Or it is really no big deal I mean, the guy was only 10 minutes late!

Well, guess what - neither is right or wrong . How someone reacts in this case can often tell us about what are challenges for them on a personal level. Note that what Im about to say will may make you respond by saying No, thats not true for me. Im not like that! I ask that you bear with me, and if it works for you, perhaps you will have learned something of value. If not (and thats fine too ), its not true for everyone and not true in all situations for any given person.

There are a number of reasons things upset us this is just one of them. So, what is it?

Here it is: We are usually most upset by behaviors in other people that are (or once were) challenges for us. In Jennifers example, if we look carefully at her life, shes often late for her own commitments. By noting that she got really upset here, she can recognize that she has some real potential for growth in the area of being on time. Next time someone you see someone get upset and criticize someone harshly, ask yourself if what they are complaining about is a characteristic that they have themselves.

Now, time for the more challenging side: Lets hold up the mental mirror. Are there things which upset you in other people that are challenges for yourself? When we are upset by something, we can choose to push a mental pause button and ask How do I do this in my life? Often, this allows us to not only get the opportunity to improve that behavior for ourselves, but also to respond in a more constructive way to the other person.

Some common things people react to include: being ignored (they may tend to ignore others), making accidental mistakes (they may make mistakes and not take responsibility for them), being dishonest (they may lie), being aggressive (aggressive people often get very upset when someone is aggressive toward them), being passive (the opposite of the aggressive case), and more.

I will emphasize that just because something upsets you, it doesnt mean it is a current issue for you (there are also other reasons we get upset).

I know you are someone who really cares about personal growth (or you wouldnt be reading this). Given this, you may be wondering how to decrease your reactivity in cases where things someone says or does set you off. Here are some tips:

1. Press the mental pause button and take a deep breath. Remove yourself from the situation if you can.

2. Ask yourself What is my real goal in this situation? (To change another persons personality doesnt count.)

3. List all the actions you want to take to resolve this situation. Whatever comes to mind, write it down. (This works best if you do it on paper.)

4. Now go down your list and circle the actions that will directly bring you closest to your goal. Then, cross out all those that while they might feel right, are not likely to bring you closer to your goal.

5. Take the actions that will bring you closer to your goal, and be very conscious not to slip into the non-constructive behaviors. Power Steps for people who want to take massive action in their growth:

Figure out what actually upset you the most (e.g. He didnt follow the correct procedure, or shes lost the tickets because shes so messy). Then, decide what this behavior is in general (e.g. "He didnt follow instructions from others", or "she's disorganized")

Ask yourself How do I do this in my own life? Be brutally honest with yourself after all, no one else will know but you.

Finally, decide if this is an area you want to improve on. If so, take action to consciously make it better.

This technique of being aware of what pushes peoples buttons can do wonders for getting what you need in a situation while not upsetting the other person (As the saying goes, You attract more bees with honey than vinegar). From a personal growth perspective, this is a great opportunity to identify and improve areas of your own life.

As always, feel free to email me with your questions, challenges or inspirational story. Heres to your success!

Al Lipper

I am very fortunate to have an extraordinarily diverse background. This helps me connect with and motivate individuals from many walks of life in a very practical and real sense. My formal education includes an undergraduate degree in Cognitive Science (the study of human thought), as well as two graduate degrees - one in Education, the other in Psychology. 

Much of my professional background has been devoted to working with others to maximize their life potential. For over a decade, I led workshops in team building, communication and personal empowerment, serving thousands of clients. Additionally, I served for three years on the faculty of California Polytechnic State University in the College of Business. 

As an entrepreneur and businessman, I have been involved in a number of start-up business ventures and served for four years as President & CEO of an engineering company. For two years as facilitator of a wellness program, I worked with others to effectively bring more balance into their lives. Other pursuits include flying airplanes as a commercial charter pilot and working as an inventor, developing new technology-oriented devices.

Over the years, I have used the things I have learned to cerate the life I have today. Some of my dreams were: complete a four-year college education (I now hold two graduate degrees, as well), teach at a University, learn to fly airplanes (I became a licensed commercial pilot and got paid to do something I love), find the woman of my dreams (after years of bad relationships, I very deliberately focused on what I really wanted in a relationship. Today, my wife is my best friend, and we continue to share an amazingly passionate relationship even after ten years and two children.)

Teach others how to improve their lives (Fifteen years ago, I had a vision to instigate lasting changes and to share inspiration with others. Now I get to do this every day and thoroughly enjoy it).

Now that you know a bit more about me, you should know that I am very human! My life isn't perfect, and I don't have it all worked out. I am a work in progress (thankfully, or what else would I spend my time on?) I feel human emotions, just like you: happy, sad, judgmental, scared, stressed, angry, defensive, and overwhelmed. Sometimes I eat dessert for breakfast, and I even have a few disagreements with my wife. It's all part of the whole human experience.